The main reason that I took my apartment was that it had the creepiest brass chandeliers in every room. The realtor said that it would make for a perfect Halloween party. I spun around and said “I’ll take it.” Yes, I took my apartment because I knew it would make for a perfect Halloween party. And that it did.

My apartment became a sweatshop of sorts, with my roommates making homemade tinkerbell and troll doll costumes, and my construction of the perfect “Max” costume from Where the Wild Things Are. Who doesn’t love a 25 year old dude in a onesie!

We decorated with cobwebs, made jello shots, put out candy and scoured the downtown drug stores for cases of beer (which I couldn’t find anywhere – how do all of the drug stores in a mile vicinity sell out of alcohol?)

People started arriving and alcohol started flowing. Flash forward to a few hours later. I am running around with my onesie, and everyone keeps grabbing my tail and pulling it through my pants, making it look like my junk. And I embrace it, obviously.

A minute later, I can hardly move, and someone is screaming for “the host” to come to the door. So I do. I answer the door in my onesie and felt hat and horns to a very angry man who lives upstairs. I have to go up because someone tripped the fire alarm by opening the roof door. Just imagine me trying to awkwardly close the door and turn off the alarm while wearing a onesie, a tail, felt claws, and a hat and a gold crown. As I calm down the angry neighbor who is explaining that I live in a co-op and not an apartment, my friend in a Jane Jetson outfit runs out of my apartment screaming EMERGENCY, EMERGENCY!

Turns out that another one of my friends showed up, had two glasses of wine, and proceeded to throw up in a solo cup and leave it on a snuggie next to my bed. Yes, a snuggie. It was child sized, and someone brought it as a housewarming gift. Probably the best gift I have ever gotten in life.

So I took the cup of throw up and ran to the bathroom yelling “CUP OF THROWUP. SOMEONE SPIT UP IN A CUP AND IT’S IN MY HAND.” Some douche had the nerve to tell me I was cutting the line. Umm this is my apartment. I would usually wait in line because that is just rude, but I had a freakin’ solo cup full of stomach acid in my hand…just a normal Saturday night, right?

Now, for one reason or another, my group of friends does not contain any minorities, so it was only appropriate for me to get excited when a black chick shows up. So I ran around excited while in the other room, the girl that dressed up as an Asian, comes face to face with the actual Asian. You could cut the awkward with a knife.

Anyway, the night ended with me crawling on my hands and knees down Greenwich Avenue in the West Village in my costume. Par for the course.

The next morning I look out the window. On the neighbors deck below, there is a smashed pumpkin. Umm alright. I think to myself that the most responsible thing to do would be to go down and offer to clean it up. We would all have a cup of coffee and chuckle about it LOLOLOLOLrightright?! I would become best friends with the neighbors and they would adopt me and oh Jiminy Cricket maybe I will someday be a real boy!

So I knock on the door. The woman asks “Who is it?,” and I respond “Um ok hi this is I mean my name is I mean I live upstairs and I am a new neighbor I mean…uh your new neighbor and…” She interrupts me and starts questioning what apartment and why I am there. It is like I am under arrest. Ummm well there goes my fantasy of my new best friend neighbors.

So she finally lets me in after I have properly proven that I live there, she makes me take off my shoes, and I have to walk out to her awkwardly wet and rainy deck.

Now as I am cleaning up the pumpkin mess, she points to a very wet looking wig. It looks as if a girl’s bush just got really bored of being unkempt and crawled away, escaping forever, but ended up in a flash flood and was left stuck to this woman’s deck. So there I am in wet socks, holding a smashed pumpkin and a wet bush/wig. The woman starts pointing baked goods that everyone apparently threw out the window. Awesome. So now I am covered in cupcake, holding a pumpkin and a wet bush, and have to walk through this woman’s apartment with my head hanging in shame.

Way to welcome myself to the building…